Yesterday we made it through frigid cold weather and greasy, snow covered roads to my Midwifery appointment, and the first thing she said was, "Woah! We're almost half-way already!" I was taken aback - June feels so far away still! Maybe it's because we're in the dead of winter and those dreamy June nights seem like another world away? I'm not sure but when she said that, it dawned on me that this whole pregnancy thing is going by way too quickly! That's not to say I'm unhappy to be out of the first trimester. I mean, those body changes and hormones do a number on you! And I can say this now because it's behind me, but I would be happy one minute, sad the next; wanting to eat something, but rejecting it before getting it in my mouth; outwardly happy about being pregnant - inwardly grumbling that I'm completely loosing control of my body (and then embarrassed to admit it at the risk of being called out as ungrateful). And then all of a sudden, at some point over the last two to three weeks I've stumbled out of that stage and into the next (thank the good Lord!) and it's completely amazing.
For the past 4 or 5 years I've had the most beautiful recurring dream; I'm pregnant, and I've got my hands on my belly and my skin feels so smooth and stretched out. And in it, I'm so aware there's life in there. I would wake up holding my flat stomach with a bit of a pang that it was only that, just a dream. Do you know what I mean? When you wake up wishing it had been real, or trying desperately to get back to sleep so you can hold onto the feeling just for one more second? In the first trimester I kept praying for this feeling to turn up, and now, I'm walking around with that dream-like feeling all day every day. I somehow lost that panic of "Am I actually pregnant? I'm told I am, but feel like crap/how in the heck did we ever think I was capable of becoming a mother? I can't even handle morning sickness without whining!"
So at 18 weeks I'm distracted sitting at my desk at work because I just want to have my hands on my protruding belly. I sneak feels or rest my hand there when I have a minute throughout the day. And I love my body again. For me, the hardest part of being pregnant for the first time was watching my body change so rapidly - now I just marvel about what's going on. I love that my breasts have swollen to two times their size - at first I begrudged the fact, but now, lightbulb! I get their purpose. Maybe this is straightforward and apparent to most people from the start but for some reason, it's taken me the past few months to come around to the idea. I love that my hips are more turned out then they used to be. And I love the extra room that's being made across my back and shoulders. There's a life in there! I know there is! And I love that I've been gifted this opportunity. I feel so much lucky, it's overwhelming if I think about it too much.
So at the end of the appointment we heard the heart-beat again and Mike giggled like a little kid when it started echoing throughout the room. He's always better then I am at wearing his emotions on his face than I am and it's one of the reasons I just love him to the core. I'm grateful he's able to show it since it's exactly how I feel too.
Like, is this for real?! Life is beautiful.