Talk about weather roller coaster. Last week we hit almost 30 degrees here in Ottawa and last night was the second night in a row I had to cover my flowers due to a widespread frost warning! Luckily I don't have too many plants out yet that need to be protected and I was reminded why it's important to keep the urge to plant ALL THE THINGS until we actually know that the risk of frost is gone (which let's be honest, we live in Canada. Does that risk ever really go away. HA!) Last weekend we decided to get out for a walk and it was chilly! One of those times I wish I wore socks. Which isn't often because I am barefoot (in our house) for about 80% of the year.
So we've been doing a lot of gardening and planning the garden and that's super fun. And I've been putting my head into plans for June's birthday party which is SUPER fast approaching (i mean. HOW has it been almost YEAR already!?) I feel like it's taken me the better part of a year to get my bearings as a Mother (capital M); I'm less nervous about stuff in general, less concerned about "routines" and just generally so excited to be raising a little girl. I mean, I truly feel so lucky every day. Obviously there are the bad days where I'm frustrated and feeling overwhelmed, but were nearly one year in and I do have to say, being a parent is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Really and truly. I want to fill our house with a million Juneys because she is so amazing. Maybe not a million but lets just say I've gotten over the fear of "how is it possible to have more then one." (Hint: it involves lowering your standards... see yogurt face below VV ;) )
Which brings me to another topic: what next?! (and NO. This is not a baby announcement! Although I admit in reading this back over I've set this up rather suspiciously!). I haven't written about it at all yet because I'm so hesitant to put to words how I feel about life after "baby." Mostly I'm still just so up in the air on the issue; some days I think life after baby looks a lot like it does today - us together, staying home, doing stuff. Mike and I have talked many many hours over many moons about what's the best decision for our family. Do I continue to stay home for a few years? What about more kids? How do we do it financially? My heart says so much: stay home and enjoy this time! My brain says: don't lose your career entirely. I feel like that is the dilemma of our lives as mothers. How do we do both? Can we be both? Can I be all things to every person? A mom who works, plans birthday parties, doesn't miss out on the important milestones etc etc. I am so vehemently opposed to running myself into the ground by the time I'm 40. I don't think it's sustainable for our society to expect mothers to be all these things and I think it makes bad mothers and wives and friends of us to be completely ragged and stretched in 50 different directions. At the same time; I LIKE work. I like the idea of holding onto my career. I like having adult interaction and putting my brain to uses I don't always tap into when I'm at home. It just doesn't seem fair that we have to choose. But being a parent means making selfless decisions. So I'm working out how to balance those decisions right now, for Juney's best interest, and quite literally I am hot on it one day, cold the next. So that's where my head's been at the past couple days. I'm gardening and following around my toddling 11-month old around and contemplating all the big decisions that need to be made. But I've got faith that things will work out just as they should. And I can't wait to see what all these next steps bring!